Everyone wants love; thats no secret. The problem, of course, is finding the right person to share your home and your secret Richard Simmons obsession. Sometimes, though, in the supreme injustice that is life, you DO find Mr. Rightbut he tells you hes married, gay, infected with a pesky VD, or not interested. Take heartthis does not mean that forging a meaningful emotional connection is impossible. Consider stalking him!
By stalking Mr. Right, you can keep him in your sights at all times, getting to know every intimate detail of his lifewhich is almost as good as being an intimate detail yourself. If you dedicate yourself to being his personal stalker, youll have something to do on those lonely winter nightsstare wistfully through his window and name your six unborn children!
But be carefulthere are certain points about the fine art of stalking to consider.You want to make sure the stalk is executed effectively, but you dont want to join the Kathy Bates ankle-smashing school of stalking.To keep things in perspective, heres handy list of Dos and Donts for beginners.
Do drive by his house daily.
The drive-by is the most basic element of a stalkers repertoire. Dont be shydrive by several times a day if the mood strikes you. Staking out his office or his gym are variations on the same theme, so they can be easily substituted. The whole point of the drive-by is to get to know his routinetake notes if it will help. In case of an investigation, its best not to give your notebooks obvious labels like Joes Favorite Pornos, Joes List of Prescription Rash Ointments, or Ways to Torture Joes Ex-Girlfriend.
Dont hurt his pets.
Two words: Fatal Attraction. Stay away from the pet-maiming unless you want to end up with Glenn Close circa-1989 hair, bloody in the bathtub.What a seasoned stalker knows is that there is more than one way to skin a cat, so to speakstanding ominously outside the window with a boom box playing Japanese boy-band music while watching him microwave a Hungry Man Dinner is just as effective as leaving a boiled bunny on the stove. Subtlety is the key to successdont overdo.
Do back off when you hear the words Restraining Order or Commitment Papers.
Getting the law involved is only a hassle, and you also run the risk of being hauled off by the men in the white coats. Many people confuse a good, healthy stalk with some sort of neurosis or treatable condition. If, unfortunately, people start sniffing around and bantering about either of these two dreaded phrases, there are a few things you can do to alleviate the situation:
Dont lose faithpersistence pays!
In order to be a successful stalker, you have to have two things: a good pair of night vision goggles, and a lot of patience. Sure, it may seem like youre doomed to forever lurk outside in his backyard hiding behind his garbage cans, but one day all your skulking will pay off. Hell fling open the back door with a dozen roses and a bottle of wine, take you in his arms, and huskily whisper that you, of all his stalkers, are the most beautiful, creepy and unflagging. It may not be a fairy tale ending, but lets face itif you were Cinderella, you wouldnt be in this situation in the first place.
Stalking can be rewarding and effective if you follow these simple guidelines. Keep the violence in check, stay away from the long arm of the law, and be persistent, and all your dreams of you and Mr. Right may come true (except that one about the squirrels and the hot tub full of marshmallow fluffnothing will ever make that dream come true, so erase it from your memory). If at first you dont succeed, try and try againthere are always other fish in the sea, some who even have lax home security and unfrosted bathroom windows.
Amy Krug is an aspiring creative loafer
who is working on her MA in Dayton, Ohio. She currently writes
the monthly online column "The Flask Files" at HappyWomanMagazine.com
and has been a regular writer at Backwash.com. Her favorite things to do
are drawing, reading, and making fun of junior high-aged girls'
Editor's note: (Amy, and all you folks who
got it the first time, forgive me) but everyone knows
this is humor, right? This advice is not meant to be taken
as a real "how-to" in any way other than for humorous
intent. (The Lawyers in my head made me put this here)
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